Do you want more confidence?
Confidence, whether in business, romance, or friendship, is absolutely essential. Now more than ever. Confidence gives you the power to let your personality shine, to grow your strengths and to become the best you you were ever meant to be. And that my friends is what leads to success.
However, for many, me for one, confidence doesn’t come naturally. I used to think that everything about me was average, or worse, and that I needed to hide the real me.
I’ve learned how to overcome that. We’ll I’m getting there.
How to get more confidence?
Here’s the 5 ways to get more confidence and become more successful, whatever your field.
- Improve your attitude — let your thoughts create your reality.
- Boost your confidence — feel good about yourself first.
- Become knowledgeable — social beings are intelligent beings.
- Learn to become popular — popularity can be learned and practiced.
- Have a heart — popularity is about love — you got to give more to get more.
There’s obviously more tips and tricks being offered out there. However, in a quick study of the topic, driving deep to the heart of the issue, these are the 5 quick and easy ways to boost your confidence, get more popularity and have more swag.
5 quick and easy ways to get more confidence
So when I first started thinking about this topic, I thought what do we really want? What really leads to success? I went to money, happiness, security and so on. These are topics I’ve already started to write about.
But I started to think, if I blow it up 10X’s, what do people want? People want to feel good about themselves. We might tell ourselves that we just want to fit in, blend in, be normal, but truly we all want at least a few people to think we’re totally awesome, we rock, we walk cool, talk cool, act cool and are totally cool.
It’s good for business, good for relationships, amazing for health and for mental well-being.
You might reject the idea, but I know deep down you want to feel like a star. Even if it’s just a little bit, you want to stand out, in some way that is important to you. It’s about significance and acceptance.
Now I’m not here to boost your ego or to play it up to the wanna be social media stars. I’m writing this because I know even the shiest, most introverted, ‘no body’, whether at school, or work, or at home wants to have that feeling that they can walk on water and have someone see it.
For me, I used to be that super hidden, ‘don’t look at me’, I have no swag at all, massive introvert. But I still wanted it. It’s what drives us to find love – to find someone who thinks we’re pretty alright. It’s what drives us to excel, we want people to go, ‘wow, did you really go to Harvard, make a million, write that song’, or whatever super amazing accomplishment you magically pulled off.
Now I’ve found that. Now I can walk into the classroom and the kids want to impress me, because I’m Mr Kinda-Cool. Not because I’m a push over, easy going, ineffective ‘lad’ teacher — but because I have confidence in my ability to lead them. People respond very positively to confidence, even if that confidence is in a horrible, old teacher. (Well not too old.)
And at home – My wife thinks I’m a star. I have the confidence to take on every challenge and I bring positivity home nearly every day. That confidence, mixed with a special kind of humor and happy energy, lights her up and I know she thinks I ‘rock’.
Also with my son, but he’s only a few months old and he’s programmed to think daddy’s awesome.
So, at least in a few small ways I’ve started to feel like I found some sense of the awesome me.
But I still have a long way to go if I want to be a swagging super star.
How to get more Confidence?
1. Work on your Attitude
Confidence is all about attitude. It’s about having the attitude within that shows as strength without.
If you have the right attitude then you can act in the way that inspires others to see you as strong – confident.
And as cliché as it sounds, you need to be yourself and be confident in being yourself.
As pointed out on Wikihow:
“Whatever you’re doing, own it. Don’t look around, seek approval from others, or ask people if “it’s okay” if you check out the movie you wanted to see or step into a funky clothing store.”WikiHow
It’s this attitude of confidence and personal leadership that inspires other.
Take Mick Jagger for example, he is widely considered as an absolute rock star – adored by people all over the globe. And I’m sure most of you would recall the pop song hook – ‘moves like Jagger’ – referring to his unique dance moves on the stage.
Now to me, he looks completely ridiculous on the stage. However, for millions he has confidence, uniqueness, sex appeal and swagger.
He’s confident and sure of himself, and he moves naturally. He doesn’t hold back; he lets out his natural strut and he makes those around him feel confident to do the same.
Now for some of us, holding back our natural way of being could perhaps be a good idea. But I’m inclined to think that for the majority, you should let it fly.
I mean, if you’re a fantastical nerd who is obsessed with Game of Thrones, why not let it shine. You might not be popular with the cool kids, or the ‘normal crowd’, or maybe you will be. But regardless, you’ll find other people out there who are just as crazy about it and your confident ownership over your passion will show them they belong with you.
Here I’m encouraged also by Tony Robbins, but not by his teachings.
Recently I saw his advertisement of Facebook for an event in Singapore. And I was shocked, well not really, by how many negative comments on the feed. Comments referring to him as a scammer, a brain-washer and things like that.
But does that stop him?
No! He knows what he’s about. His attitude is that he knows deep down that he is a massively powerful individual and he is happy with what he does. And he does it loud and proud. And because of that he has swag. That’s why he can charge outrageous fortunes for people to come and ‘worship’ at his alter.
He has confidence and it shows.
You need to have the winning attitude to build confidence.
2. Build Confidence
Obviously you need to build confidence if you want to have confidence.
That’s kind of a stupid statement. ‘If you want confidence, build confidence.’ “Duh!”
What I should say is learn how to build confidence.
And what is confidence?
Confidence is feeling good about yourself.
You need to feel good in your own skin and be happy to let your personality shine.
If not, you hide and then no one knows you. If you want swag you need to put it out there, and with courage and conviction.
But you can’t fake it. It needs to be genuine confidence.
“Swagger is a state of mind, a confidence, knowing your own worth and being able to show it. Most importantly, it is subtle. These movements coming from someone too overtly will come off as non-verbal bragging or being “fake”. It won’t be natural. It should be under the radar so to speak, with someone only noticing by zeroing in on you out of curiosity, not by you seeking attention.”The Art of Charm
Putting on a big show of bravado is a sure fire way to show that you are compensating.
If you are truly confident you don’t need to try to impress anyone. You are simply confident in who you are and you contribute with conviction.
People like this, because most of the time they are themselves trying to hide from their own insecurities. If you show them how it’s done, lead the way as confident and secure, they will be drawn to follow.
Also, no one likes to feel other people’s insecurities. It’s awkward. It feels unnatural. We much prefer people who are confident and who are happy to be around others. The type of people who are content and have something to contribute.
How do we achieve this confidence?
Firstly, all feelings come down to action. “Emotion comes from motion.” (Tony Robbins) If you act depressed, then you will become depressed. But if you force yourself to act with confidence, then you will start to feel confident.
So look at the people who you admire for their confidence. For me, it’s Tony Robbins, or Mohamed Ali. How do they act? They push their chest out, they keep a straight back. They look up and look directly at people when they talk to them. Also, they move their body with confidence, using arm movements to express themselves. They stand in the heroic pose and they move with purpose. If I start to act that way, and envision myself moving with confidence, then I start to feel confident.
Building on posture, it’s one thing to act confident, but the two people I just mentioned back it up by looking confident. They are in good shape, which allows them to stand tall and move with purpose. They dress well, not particularly fashionably, but they never look ragged or old, they look fresh and energetic.
Furthermore, you can see someone like Patrick Bet-David. In his films he wears smart suits, or branded t-shirts, they are new, clean and well-fitting. He knows he feels good when he looks good, and that makes him move with confidence, and that allows him to let his passion speak through when he talks.
Dress for Success
So if you want confidence, get confident about your appearance. Get in shape, get cleaned up, cut your hair, do your nails, dress new and confident. This way you look confident and you will feel confident when you feel that you look good.
Having taken care of the superficial, we need to drill down a little deeper.
We get confidence from our work. It’s what we do. And for me at least, I have way more confidence being a teacher than I could have ever had being a customer servant working in a supermarket. And I know when I was a customer servant I felt a small amount of confidence because at least I wasn’t a cleaner. (Not that there’s anything wrong with being a cleaner.) But for me, I felt bad when I told people I worked in a supermarket, because I knew I was capable of more.
If you want more confidence start to do work that builds your confidence.
Lastly, for now though we’ll add more in the next sections, is your purpose. This may be your job and it may not. And to be honest I haven’t quite got there, but I’m getting a lot closer every day.
When you have a mission or a purpose, that fills you with confidence. That is more than just about you – it’s about having something important that you can serve. You can take confidence that you are doing something great and that will open you up more than anything.
I think of Tony Robbins, he isn’t worth billions because he wants to be rich. (No doubt he has that intention) But people give over their millions because his mission is to change lives.
Martin Luther King Junior inspired a movement, not because he wanted to be the greatest speaker, he was able to do that because he wanted to fight injustice.
He had a great purpose that gave him confidence to speak and people the will to follow.
And so on and so on.
Here I can write and put my words out into the public, not because I’m confident that I’m a genius or a great writer. I feel like I have a calling to spread this lesson.
The lesson that we can all live better and the world will be better if we live with purpose and in a state of looking to achieve success. I believe if I can get even a few people to believe they are worthy of achieving success and they turn on to living positively and with purpose, then they will have better lives and the world will be a better place.
This sense of purpose gives me the confidence to do things I previously felt were absolutely, no doubts at all, impossible.
3. Become Knowledge
Social beings are intelligent beings.
“A person with swag is intelligent and knows about lots of different things. Create a range of interests, read the news, get good grades. These are all things that help you feel confident in any situation and any conversation.”Lovepanky.com
Knowledge is power
So firstly building on the previous points, knowledge boosts confidence. If you are the smartest person in the room, you feel confident that you can talk. You know what you say will be insightful, it will have positive contribution and you won’t come across as stupid.
However, if you are the dumbest person in the room, you’re not likely to say much. Or you might play up the fact that you’re stupid and take the cheap laughs, but I don’t think that approach is too rewarding.
So knowledge gives you confidence, because you feel powerful, and it gives you the power to talk, which makes you feel good.
Knowledge is interesting
Secondly, knowledge makes you interesting. If people are talking and you know nothing about the subject, then you have nothing to add. If you have no interesting topics to bring up, then you have nothing to say and people will find you boring.
However, if you’re the expert that people want to ask for knowledge and opinions from, then you’re actually being asked to speak. If you’re the one who knows all the gossip and what’s been happening, then people will seek you out. If you can chime in with a random topic from the news that everyone really should know about, then you will surprise people and they will associate you with value.
Knowledge makes you interesting, so find out interesting things and look to share them. That will make you more confident and more popular.
4. Learn Popularity
Ok, so I can hear you already. “Duh, get more swag by being more popular.”
“What does that even mean?”
“If it was that easy I’d already have done it?”
“Stupid advice Joe!”
And I would have been right there amoungst you not that long ago. But now I realize that everything is learn-able. But we need to hone in on what we want and go after it. So if you want to be more popular, you need to isolate that and learn what it means.
Look at those people who are popular and follow their lead.
Now the obvious problem I used to have, is that I’d look straight to celebrities. Someone like Brad Pitt – he’s super attractive, he’s funny, he lives a movie star life, he’s rich … so no way I can be popular. Right?
That’s probably what you’re thinking.
As Psychology today points out,
“Most people are not famous, fascinating, thrilling, extraordinarily beautiful, well-travelled, hysterically funny, charismatic, or especially unique. It is so important not to compare yourself to people who have been hyped in the media. The goal is to improve on who you already are, not to wish you were someone else.”Psychology Today
Ok, so if I can’t compare to someone like Brad Pitt, then I should look to the people around me and see what do they do. And what I generally noticed was the following.
Popular people are energetic. They are fit and active and they like to get involved in things. Generally.
Self-centered vs other-centered?
Now, if I look at the Hollywood stereotype, the popular ones are the cool, talented, and generally self-centered people who think they’re better than everyone else. And maybe that’s true in the lives of the rich and the famous.
However, from my real life, the people who I see as being popular are the people who really think about others. They don’t think about ‘me, me, me’, they think about their team, or their friends, or the school, or the community. We can see they have a wide perspective and we know we can go to them.
We already kind of covered this. But the popular people seem to be the ones who show their interests. It might be something stupid to us, but we see their passion for their thing. It attracts other people to them.
It’s like the football team, they all come together because of their love of something. Then because they are so passionate a whole community forms around them and cheers them on, because they too love it, or because they want to wish them well, or simply they want to get involved.
Now that I might be a bit obvious. So I’ll share my experience with Game of Thrones. I had met this guy at work. He was a very popular person, but he was much younger than me, and I never really saw a friendship forming. It seemed like we’d just be work colleagues.
However, just through chatting through work, this guy would go on and on about Game of Thrones. At first I thought the whole thing was some lame, nerdy fantasy rubbish. But because he was so into it, and I was trying to be nice, I started to listen. Then I started to understand. Then he borrowed me an episode. After that a season. In the end we were watching it together sharing a beer and becoming friends.
He was like this with all his passions and it was his secret weapon. I used to wonder why he was so popular, especially with the girls, but it was obvious. He was interesting, he got excited about things and he wanted to share.
So get excited about the things you love and look to enrich people’s lives by sharing these interesting things.
They Try, but not too hard
Popular people try. They make an effort to reach out. They make an effort to try new things and to be sociable. But they don’t try too hard.
Trying too hard is fake, it’s desperate, it is awkward and annoying.
So make and effort. Get involved in the things you love. Look to share experiences with people you are interested in and share ideas. But don’t try to force it and don’t ruin your life trying to be popular.
We know popular people have good timing. They seem to say the right thing at the right time. They seem to show up to the right things and make the right fashion statements.
I don’t know that this can be helped.
I mean, if you watch fashion religiously then you will have a chance of turning up fashionable and anticipating the next great haircut or whatever. But if that’s not your thing, then don’t force it. You may end up doing the completely wrong thing.
But it’s like with everything, if you want to get better, and you try and practice, and learn, then you will get better.
By watching popular people, studying popularity and popular things, and becoming more involved, you’ll start to get better at fitting in. But don’t try too hard to force it.
5. Have a Heart
This is simple and obvious, but it is often overlooked, especially when we look to celebrities for our lead.
We already kind of covered it above; popular people, in real life, tend to be more other-centered. They show interest in other people, in events, in places and communities. They want to fit in and they want to help others to fit in. That’s what makes us love them.
The simple lesson is that if you want more love, the easiest way to get it is to give more love. (I think this was good old Tony once again.)
Lifehack goes to add,
“If we go out of our way to appreciate the good qualities of others, then people will warm to our generous spirit.”Lifehack.org
If we look for the good in others, we invite them to look for the good in us. I know this for myself. If someone says I’m good at something, I straight away start to look for something I can say good about them. If someone is generous to me, I look for a way to return the favor. And beyond returning the compliment or the favor, I lock into my mind that this person is good, kind and generous. That creates a powerful bond.
The problem is we get so used to not feeling generosity in others, so we don’t feel inspired to give it out. Then we see the popular people who seem to have a monopoly on attention and goodness and we allow jealousy to form the paradigm in our minds that only the popular people in life get it all.
If you want to receive, sometimes you need to be the first to give.
So maybe if you want some swag, start to treat others like they got swag. Treat others like they are popular. Give the level of confidence to others that you wished they would show to you… Easier said than done.
6. Bonus Lesson: Be Spontaneous
A little bonus for those of you who have read this far. It’s something that I only just heard and I thought it should get tacked on the end. But just like the opposite of trying too hard, being spontaneous is how you show the real you and act genuine.
When you are spontaneous and just reacting in the moment, you show your real thoughts and feelings.
Now the problem, at least from my experiences, is we worry that that real me will end up doing something stupid or saying something that will get us ostracized for life.
But what I’ve started to find, is that we’re mostly hard wired to fit in. We look to be amenable, to be agreeable, friendly and sociable. And when we, or at least for me, start to be more spontaneous, that’s when funny starts to show up. When I’m not thinking about what others are thinking, or what I’m wearing, or the words coming out of mouth, that’s when charm and charisma can show up.
Now I’m not saying that I’m all that funny, charming, or charismatic at all. But when I’m not thinking about how I can be funny, or how I’m not a funny person, I find people start to smile and laugh a bit more.
I like to think that we are naturally programmed to be charming, funny and sociable. We need to get out of our way a bit more and just start to get involved.
There’s no guarantee that you will become the rock star of every room. But if you are worried about your popularity, or you feel you need a little more, then try these steps.
- Work on your attitude
- Build your confidence
- Become Knowledgeable
- Learn Popularity
- Lead with your heart
- And start to trust your spontaneous nature.
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All the best, and remember to keep striving for success.